Fictional Media Conference involving Liberal Party & Coalition Leader Tony Abbott and ...
Tony Abbott appears wearing shirt, conservative-blue tie, dark suit coat, and ... budgie smugglers!
[Journalist]: Mr Abbott, why are you wearing budgie smugglers?
[Abbott]: Err, I never miss a chance. And anyway, arh, I have to keep fit if I'm going to be, arh, the next Prime Minister of Australia.
[Journalist]: Who's that with you? No, not your throng of media advisers and head-nodders. Who's that? (points at 11th person in Abbott's throng, standing off to side)
[Abbott]: Who? Um, Oh, OH! - that's my Shadow Minister for err, Immigration.
[Journalists]: (as one) Who is it and why are they wearing a John Howard, one-eyed mask?
[Abbott]: Not relevant. The point is, arh, teh point is only the Coalition can STOP THE BOATLOADS OF REFUGEES. We did it before and we'll do it better next time.
[Journalist]: How? Christmas Island is already full, NZ won't take them again, and Nauru will likely be under water soon, with the effects of global warming, won't it?
[Abbott]: Arh, heh-heh, Nah - that's just a left-wing Labor, commie refugee conspiracy. BUT, ONLY WE CAN STOP THE BOATS!
[Journalists]: (all as one) HOW?
[Abbott]: The Coalition will outsource border security against refugees to the Israeli Government. They did a wonderful job on those ships going to Gaza. The Israelis will use their warships, zodiacs, helicopters and commandos. After all, some of those commandos are Aussies. We will pay for them with AGBNTOE(*) The boats will stop, and we will be able to focus all our energies on the important things. (thinks - and those sucker voters will vote for us)
[Journalist]: Such as?
[Abbott]: New Industrial Relations. Before you ask, the term 'WorkChoices' is dead, we won't call it that. And a new immigration policy targeting 457-visa workers for employment; and my colleague here (aside - what's your name, son?) - yes, of course, Scott Morrison, will concentrate in the lab on resurrecting the White Australia Policy. That's all folks - no more questions. (thinks - because we don't have any answers)
Abbott, surrounded by nodding media advisers and ... what-his-name with the Howard mask, shuffles off to Parliament House.
* AGBNTOE - A Great Big New Tax On Everything.
(with acknowledgement to Chris Henning, whose 'True Fictions' column in the Sydney Morning Herald inspired this)